Month: June 2025

✒️ Today:
I’m a bit overwhelmed with my workload right now. There is a big, incredibly important review coming up on 07/08/2025. I’m drowning in to-do lists and reports, falling further and further behind.

Myles has been gone for over a week now. I picked up his ashes today. His urn is simple, made of wood with a small metal plate bearing his name, though it wasn’t attached. It rests in a soft blue velvet drawstring bag. A certificate of cremation, dated 06/23/2025, was included. His urn feels so light. I keep wishing I could hold him again, but all I have now is wood and ashes. His body has been reduced to almost nothing, and it’s hard to comprehend.

I still haven’t had time to let the reality of him being gone truly sink in. The pain and sorrow feel enormous, but my brain keeps searching for a mistake, some sign that he’s okay after all, that he’s still coming home to me.

I need time to rest, reflect, and grieve his loss. This is taking a toll on me.

I know his memories will always live on with me. Even when the day comes that I can accept he is truly gone, the pain of this loss will still carry weight in my heart. I may never get to hold my sweet boy again, but I will always carry his memory with me. It is the greatest gift I’ve ever been given.

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💭 Mood Today:
Overwhelmed. I want to get all my work done, I want to clean the room, I want my relationship to move forward, and I want Myles here with me.

🎮 Games / Progress:
I wasn’t able to make any progress in games today. I didn’t get home until 7:30 PM and couldn’t do any AFK skilling in OSRS while at work.

🌸 Self-Care Notes:
My supplements arrived today: a multivitamin and L-Tyrosine. I also got a new body wash and scrubber that I’m excited to try. However, my self-care was limited today. I didn’t get enough sleep and ate more junk food than I should have.

🌿Nicole

✒️Today:
I spent most of today in a kind of mental fog, knowing I have a lot of work to catch up on before Monday. I couldn’t motivate myself to get up and work even though I have a lot to do. It gave me anxiety, yet I still couldn’t do it.

Today marks one week since I rushed Myles to the ER and the first day off I’ve had since he died. I started the slow and painful process of beginning to let go of some of Myles’s belongings. I kept his very first two toys from when I adopted him in 2011. I chose to let go of the other toys that weren’t his baby toys, along with his brushes and food. Even though I know holding onto those things doesn’t bring him back, it still feels like a painful betrayal. I am trying to remind myself that letting go of these items is not betraying him or erasing his memory, but it is very hard to feel that way. There is still a long way to go before I fully sort through everything I don’t intend to keep.

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💭 Mood Today:
I had a strong mental fog and lack of focus. I felt anxious throughout the day as I knew I had work to do but lacked the energy or concentration for. I have anxiety over my relationship possibly ending and having to move out of our home. I felt grief over the loss of Myles.

🐾 Hope’s Footsteps:
Hope had a quiet day. The sky was overcast with light rain and thunder, so I didn’t want to take her outside since she’s afraid of storms and can’t get her ears wet. I also haven’t had a chance to clean out my car for rides yet.

🎮 Games / Progress:
I played OSRS today. I did my first four Slayer tasks today. I also organized my inventory. CJ patiently helped me with both.

🌸 Self-Care Notes:
My self care was fairly low today. I’m proud of myself for getting out of bed despite how I was feeling. I did not take medications or vitamins today. I did eat two meals and drank some water. I ordered more vitamins and some hygiene items.

🌿Nicole